WHAT IS A BRAIN DUMP?
A brain dump is simply the act of dumping all the contents of your mind onto paper as one might dump the contents of a purse onto a table. You are spilling out stressors, your nagging thoughts, your pesky annoyances.
I am going to dump my brain how I want too though, and not stick to bullet points and structure, but more Morgan style.. with word vomit.
Do you ever feel like the universe picks on you? Like the universe sees you succeeding at something and decides to take a big ole shit on you and now you have to clean THAT up. You can’t seem to catch that break that we’re all chasin. Exhausting.
I reunited with an old friend from years ago this weekend and she truly opened my eyes to what a healthy friendship looks like and ridding yourself of these negative people is okay and healthy. We have so much in common and she doesn’t think I’m an anorexic bitch which seems to be the go to punch for me these days.
I have finally admitted that me and alcohol need to part ways. I look back at the past months or year and how much I have missed because I was too concerned with where/when I was getting my next drink. Think about how many arguments could have been resolved without starting WW3 first. So much wasted breath on unnecessary yelling and name calling. Sober Morgan is much more pleasant to be around. People like her.
Since embarking on this sober journey I already see a change in not only myself, but my relationships with family, friends, work, and my overall outlook on life. That may seem exaggerated and corny to some, but it’s the truth to me.
I’m starting to appreciate my body. YES! It may be a small appreciation, but the fact that I can be happy some days with how I reflect in my mirror is a HUGE milestone for me and anyone who suffers from an ED.
That dump I mentioned earlier, the one the universe took on me, is not something I’m ready to speak publicly about. There is still a lot of lessons I need learn through this before I am comfortable enough to open up. I put my story out there for the world to read and to help others. I will share this new journey with you all in my next post. WHICH WILL BE SOON AND NOT 5 MONTHS FROM NOW! pinky promise 🙂
Happy Mothers Day to all you beautiful mamas out there!!!
This morning, Ian missed the litter box by a whole apartment and peed on my bed, with me still in it.
I couldn’t sleep. Stared at my ceiling, anxious because of the enormous amount of SHIT filling up my brain and there’s no way anxiety will give dreaming any space. Trust me I know my anxiety.
When my heart races with no physical activity to get her pumpin, I get a little upset. Why? Because I know it’s trying to keep up with my RACING thoughts going well over the speed limit. No breaks.
Once my thoughts make a few laps, time to bring on the panic-attack resulting in me crying for basically no reason, just thoughts. Overthinking, worry, guilt, love, what ifs, what if nots.
I’m now breathing in the aroma of cat pee and crying in my bed while I take deep breaths to try and gain control of the steering wheel again. Not yet concerned by the fact I’m still laying in the new designated litter box.
Sometimes I make myself sick with these unnecessary thoughts. SURE, we all think about these things, but let’s try and do it at a moreappropriate time!
I know that’s out of my control. It may be MY mind MY thoughts, but it doesn’t matter. This is MY bed, but this morning it became Ian’s litter box. It didn’t matter.
There’s a little peek into Morgan’s head. Laundry here I come.
Eating disorder, OCD, anxiety, panic disorder, depression. For YEARS I have let these voices, fears, and nervousness plan my day, what I eat, how much I sleep, my relationships, my health, my happiness.
I’ve decided to challenge myself this year and set a few realistic goals to gain back control of my life.
- Get a new hobby. Something to break my everyday routine and open my mind to new opportunities.
- Stop parking in the SAME parking spot at Walmart. If I lose my car for a second, I’m gonna be okay..
- Buy groceries without checking the calories on the back.
- Learn to cook.
- Eat what I cook.
- Throw away my “skinny enough” jeans.
- Go for walks, hikes, swims. Embrace life outside of my insecurities.
- Be grateful for the little and big things I have in my life.
- Stop wasting precious time.
- Start appreciating the life I was given.
Some of these may sound ridiculous, but they’re MY ridiculous resolutions and I can’t wait to see what this year is going to bring and what I can accomplish!
Happy New Year’s to you friends!!
I want to apologise for how I’ve treated you.
I’m sorry for thinking you’re not good enough.
I’m sorry for starving you.
I’m sorry I let my mind play tricks.
I’m sorry for causing you physical pain.
I’m sorry I don’t see the beauty other’s see. I’m told you’re beautiful.
I’m sorry for trying to make you something you’re not meant to be.
I’m sorry for constantly critiquing you.
I’m sorry for comparing you.
I’m sorry for not realizing all you’ve done for me over the years because I was too busy hating how you looked.
I’m sorry for not taking care of you, when you have done nothing but take care of me.
I also want to thank you.
Thank you for keeping me with you when I tried leaving.
Thank you for not stopping when you had nothing to keep going.
Thank you for embracing our tattoos. I will get more.
Thank you for being my souls home.
Thank you for being strong for the both of us.
Thank you for taking those two shallow breaths a minute.
Thank you for recovering when I push you past your limits.
Most of all, thank you for loving me when It’s still hard to love you.
I pinky promise to make it up to you someday. I never break a pinky promise.
Pinkys are small, but the secrets and promises they keep are huge.
Mental Health Awareness Week is here! October 7-13. “CureStigma” is the theme throughout this week and month. Did you know, one in five Americans struggle with mental health. I read an article that compared the mental health stigma to a virus. This virus shames people into silence. We don’t seek help. Lives are lost. The perception of mental health won’t change unless we act on it. Speak up! It took me too many precious years to finally do that.
I’m going to pass this entry to my sister-in-law who wrote a post on mental health and pregnancy and infant loss. I found her words too inspiring not to share. I have attached a link to her post. Enjoy!
– A return to a normal state of health, mind, or strength.
What is normal? I’ve forgotten the feeling.
It’s no secret that recovery scares me, but why?
People recover everyday. People want to recover.
It’s been ten years now Morgan, can’t you just get better already?
I don’t know?
The hardest part right now is being able to see a future without my ED.
This is me now. Who was I without this? What occupied my mind?
I fill my mind now with quotes on positivity, encouragement and self-love, hoping eventually I’ll have that big AH HA moment and become this beautiful, strong, get out of my way superhero kind of woman and I save myself from myself.
Right now, they’re still just quotes. No AH HA! No superpowers.
Don’t worry, I’m not letting inspirational quotes from pinterest decide my recovery process.
That’s my responsibility.
“Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life.” Naeem Callaway
See, that’s a good quote! It gives me a glimpse of hope.
I wonder, will my present self be strong enough to let this thing go? My future self sure hopes so.
I’ll say this, I’m doing my best.
It all starts with that one small step, right?
-My younger self-
If I could say anything to that girl in the picture, it would be this, “You may not see it, but that reflection in the mirror is YOU and you are beautiful exactly how you are.”
Thank you for not giving up on me when that’s all I want to do.
Thank you for telling me I’m beautiful because that’s not what I see.
Thank you for buying me food I would eat. That’s the best thing you could do.
Thank you for caring.
Thank you for all the I love you’s.
Thank you for standing by me like a soldier at war, because we are.
Thank you for joining my one man army.
Thank you for picking me back up when I’ve fallen down.
Thank you for listening even though you don’t quite understand.
Thank you for talking to me.
Thank you for wiping my tears.
Thank you for not treating me like I’m broken, like a normal human being.
Thank you so much for fighting with me because one day I will be free.
To all of you, family, friends, co-workers, anyone who has shown me love and support over the years. You’re the reason I’m here and fighting. You keep me going and staying positive. I’m so lucky to have the support system that I do. I love you.