. My disorder is a mental illness with a physical aspect being the side effect. You can’t see what’s going on inside my head, but you can clearly see what’s going on by my appearance.
My bulimarexia and obsessive compulsive disorder are one. When grocery shopping, I take the same route every time, avoiding Iles I don’t or won’t go down. I won’t let myself get distracted, it is always the same, even down to where I park my car. In and out, avoiding contact with anyone and knowing exactly where “my” food is.
I am never not thinking about food, calories, weight. From the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep, it’s in the back of my head. It consumes my thoughts. Every day I wake up and face my body and the fact that I need to eat, two things that feed into my anxiety. It’s exhausting.
My mood is always unpredictable. I use my eating disorder to cope with all the unwanted feelings. Eventually, I feel nothing, but then I burst. I apologize for my mood swings, it’s not really me.
I wish I could see what you see when you look at me.
I’m scared to death of recovery.
I need you. I need you when I break down because everything I put on makes me look “fat”. I need you to accept that I’m not going to finish my meal sometimes. I need you to not judge me. I need you to not give up on me. I need you to listen. You won’t fully understand, because neither do I, but your support is enough for me.
Don’t comment on my weight. Telling me I look healthy just triggers negative thoughts and I immediately think “Oh no, I’m fat.” Telling me I’m skinny is just your way of saying, “hey, you’re sick and I see it.”
I don’t know who I am without my disorder and sometimes I’m scared to let it go.
I want a family someday, but my disorder won’t let me. When I was 18 my doctor asked me if I would ever have kids and my response was no, because I would gain weight. I’m thirty now. Will I ever get to experience motherhood? I truly hope so.