It has been a while since my last post. I can use me getting strep throat as an excuse, but it’s not one. I have realized that being so open with my disorder is a lot more difficult than I thought. Don’t forget that my family is reading this and finding out new things every post. I battle demons every day that I don’t write about. This ten year fight has caused me pain, worry, anxiety, ruined relationships and what hurts more than anything, is hurting the people I DO share the most with. The concern and worry for my health that they have. I appreciate anything and everything anyone has done to help me, but this isn’t your battle, it’s mine. I sometimes wonder if I will ever recover. I remain strong in hopes that I will someday be cured, but I don’t believe we are ever completely cured from anything, except for maybe the strep I got, but only after weeks of antibiotics. I am, however, planning the next steps to a recovery of any sort. Steps that don’t involve rehab. What I want people to understand is that the smallest imbalance in my life can lead to a huge downward spiral with my disorder, sometimes without me even noticing. It’s nothing I want to do for show or attention, it’s just the way MY brain decides to handle these situations. I’m resorting back to what I know, sort of as protection I guess. A safe place, but obviously not so safe. I hope my next post will be about the eating disorder meeting I attend. I hope my next post will be more uplifting, but this is reality. It’s not always positive.