It’s that time of year again. Swimsuit season. The season, to be honest, when the majority of people are going to be self-conscious about their “summer bodies.” I floated the Buffalo with a group of friends this past weekend and wasn’t self-conscious at all. In fact, my body image didn’t even cross my mind once until I saw a photo that I specifically wanted taken. I was sitting on a broken tree branch in the water, taking a shot of whiskey, enjoying life. Of course, the first thing I saw was fat. My boyfriend took the photo and captured everything I wanted and the only words that came out of my mouth were “I look fat!” I know anyone else looking at this picture would say differently. This is where my disorder gets tricky and confusing. I think I have the body dysmorphia part under control and then this happens. I know when I’m too skinny and need help and then I get to a healthier weight and don’t see what everyone else sees. At the gym yesterday I cried because I wasn’t there for the right reasons. I was there because of a picture. A picture that triggered something in my brain to want to lose weight. Another trigger I posted about a while back was when someone says that I look healthy. You look good in those shorts, they fit nice. Why can’t I take these kind words as a compliment? Instead, I freak out in my mind and go into panic mode. These compliments suddenly turn into an insult. It’s tiring constantly trying so hard to see myself through your eyes. I wish I could. The difference today than a few years ago is this, I won’t let myself lose control again. This is easier said than done, but I have come too far to fall back. 

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