May is Mental Health Awareness month. I spoke briefly in a previou blog about other issues I face on a day to day basis. Not only do I have my eating disorder, but I also suffer from OCD, depression, panic disorder, and yes, I have had multiple suicide attempts. It’s hard to be so vulnerable and express that to people I don’t know, but to people i am close too it’s even harder. My family and friends have been there for episodes and experienced it first hand, but It’s still one of the hardest thing to have to relive, especially these feelings, even in writing. I wish I could explain more and help anyone understand the thoughts and emotions after a suicide episode. I can remember, however, waking up connected to tubes, seeing my father crying and telling him that it wasn’t me. It wasn’t me that wanted to die, I want to live. You can say that over and over to a doctor but in some sense looking back at that moment I understand how confusing and ridiculous, for lack of a better word, I sounded. In spite of all that, I do remember looking at my dad pleading that it wasn’t me. I was prescribed medication that my brain did not agree with at some points, yes. I won’t blame it solely on that, but it did have a major impact. I am, however, at a point where this part of my life I feel in control. I’m alive and SO happy I am. This, in what seemed uncontrollable, I finally feel and know that I am beating it. You can too. We have so much to live for and I hate that I couldn’t see it, but now, I’m fully awake and look forward to the next day.