I recently watched a short documentary about a woman suffering from anorexia. I compared myself to her and the way she spoke about the disorder. I can honestly say that at the beginning of this ten year battle I liked people looking at me in disgust. This disease can be like a competition and the words she used were “being the better anorexic.” We want to be the smallest one. I can relate to her on that at some level. She didn’t, however, speak about body dysmorphia which is where we differ. I would see fat and still do. A part of me is confused because yes she has a disease, but is feeding it for the attention she gets, not because of the “fat” girl she sees in the mirror. I on the other hand have spent years trying to beat it and wish I could look past this illusion of being fat. I have not once thought to myself, “lose weight so people will feel sorry for you and give you attention.” If I want attention I do bad stand up comedy that nobody laughs at but myself. Not joking guys. To some of you I may sound a little redundant. Didn’t you just say you liked people looking at you and you wanted to be the skinnier one? I did, but I hid these feelings from everyone. It was never my intention to worry my family and friends. It was something I COULDN’T control. Truth be told I hid it very well for quite a while as a lot of us with this disorder do, until it becomes too much, at least in my case. There is a stigma for people like me and that is that we do this for the attention. It hurts me to see a woman blatantly say she’s not eating just for that reason. I’m actually tearing up as I write this because I would give anything to finally win. A decade of lying, rehabs, blackouts, hunger pains, and even nearing organ failure is a decade too long. This woman has been craving attention for only 8 months. Am I being too harsh on her or are my feelings valid? Maybe I’ll thank her for giving me that little extra push I feel now to prove that we can win, even if our struggle is a mountain compared to her mole hill. 

Comments are appreciated! Please, put this failing comedian in her place if I should be looking at this with a different perspecitve!

One thought on “Stigmas.

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